July has been a roller-coaster of ups and downs. Both personally and professionally. It wasn’t until this month that I fully realized how much those two things are very much the same to a writer. With the emotional turmoil I started the month in it affected my writing greatly. I couldn’t focus on anything longer than a few sentences.
I’ve learned that I just needed to acknowledge my sadness and be in it to get through it. It’s not an easy thing to do, for some it can be dangerous. Sometimes being in that place can cause your emotional stability to falter. With some they are not capable of pulling themselves out of that sadness, that darkness. It can be easily forgotten that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That there are people in your life that care about you. It’s easy to forget that things will get better when that dark place, that pit of sadness looms over us.
You feel like you are standing on the edge of a deep dark precipice and the only thing keeping you from falling in is the thought of hope. A possible hope, hope that someone is standing on the other side of the locked door, hope that someone will answer their phone, hope that when you turn around it will be into the loving arms of your person. Not everyone has this hope; many believe it’s not there.
I was lucky— no... I am lucky. I had that hope— no... I have that hope. I have the help and support that I need. The overwhelming kindness of my friends and family. People who have reached out to me in my moment of grief. The devastating news that rocked my world in a way that I was not fully prepared for. So many have stepped up. Shown me their love for me.
My Ninja girl is doing well. Aside from her weight loss, we’ve been struggling with for a couple years now, she is healthy. To look at her, to watch her, you would never know of the diagnoses that is looming.
She still runs and plays, but her arthritis makes it difficult for her to do it for more than a few minutes. She still gives us morning loving. Mind you it’s 3am and she just wants food. But I’ll take her purrs and head bumps any day, any time. She still cuddles with me on the couch and follows me from the living room to my office. She still lays on my desk and makes it impossible to work. But I don’t mind.
And when her time finally catches up to her, I will be devastated. My world will be rocked harder than ever before. My grief will be deep, my dark place, that precipice will be deeper and darker than I have ever experienced. But I know I have someone on the other side of that locked door, I know I have someone ready to answer the phone, and I know when I turn around there will be my person to hold me tight.
I am forever grateful for those in my life that has allowed and I know will always allow me to lean on them. You know who you are, and if you don’t I will be sure to tell you. I love you and I appreciate you!
I want everyone out there to know that you have those things too. There are places to turn, people who care. If you ever find yourself on that precipice and don’t know how to hold on call someone. Please. Despite what you may think, the world, your world, your people will not be better without you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
I have a tendency to ramble when talking to friends. I figured why not share my ramblings here with you nice people!