I find myself distracted today, I didn’t have any topic decided on but I normally don’t. So this post would have been no different. But you see I’ve been given some news, news that has completely occupied my mind. No matter how hard I try to shake it, try to distract from it, it continues to come back to me.

It is consuming me in a way that fills me with great grief and sorrow and I so wish I could make it disappear.

Studies have shown that people feel the loss of a pet more deeply and for a longer period than when they lose a human family member. Those who have never owned a pet don’t understand this, but those who not only have a pet but have lost them know this fact all too well.

Two days ago I took my kitty to the vet, she had stopped eating and there was nothing we could do. They ran their tests, gave her pills to increase her appetite and told us they would get back to us with the results.

Now I’ve had my Ninja for 17 years 6 months. She came into my life when I was suffering from depression and loneliness. She has been my constant companion for these 17 years while my husband was away with work. I’ve spent more time with her than my husband. She’s sweet, gentle and so so smart. I haven’t met a person yet who doesn’t love her to pieces.

To look at her you would think that she was in perfect health. But over the last few years she has lost her hearing, started having kidney issues, developed arthritis in her hips and shoulders, and has lost a great deal of muscle mass. The last few months her ability to move around has become a little more difficult.

Until we discovered heating pads for her, when she spent time on the heating pads her mobility increased greatly. But there was still nothing we could do about the loss of her muscle so her back legs tend to be a little less stable.

Aside from this the vet even felt that she was in good health, especially given her age. This was about six months ago.

Yesterday I got the call from the vet, her results were in and they were not good. I knew when we took her into the vet the day before that this was different. That this time there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. But it didn’t prepare me for the words when the vet spoke them.

My beautiful Ninja girl, her kidneys are in the final stages of failure. We have ran out of options to help her. The vet has given her six months. They’ve assured me that she is in no pain. To look at her she is bright eyed, responsive, active, and just as loving as ever.

I am not ready. I am not ready to live a day, an hour, a minute without her. I already miss her and she is sitting in front of me.

I have been through loss, too much of it. I’ve lost family and friends. I’ve watched family fight and lose the battle with cancer, ALS, and heart attacks. I know loss. I’ve lived through and with it, I survived it because I knew I could.

I don’t know if I can survive this. This loss, this loss I am not ready for.

It will never get easier, it will just get easier to carry.
                   -Anonymous-

It’s the first week of June and I’ve realized I haven’t done a blog post for May! I apologize since I promised monthly ramblings. So you will be getting two posts this month, ain’t ya the lucky ones!
I spent a lot of years wandering from one job to another never enjoying any of them. The age old question "What do you want to do when you grow up?" was always a conundrum to me. I thought I knew. When I was much younger I wrote in journals telling stories for a short time. I bounced to art and enjoyed painting, but then theater came along and I thought I found my calling.
 
I was going to be a movie star, center stage, acting my heart out. That's where I wanted to be. But of course that turned out to be short lived as well. Due to certain circumstances during my grade eleven year I was unable to be on stage for the school production. So I opted to be behind the scenes, I was given the opportunity to be stage manager. I rocked that job hard! I was the best stage manager in our district. When we went to the western competition for performing arts I won a scholarship for stage management! I turned it down because I thought I wanted to be the star. Well turns out I’m not that great of an actress which I found out the following year.
 
Cut to graduation and I had no clue what I was going to do. I joined the military for a short time but discovered it wasn't for me. So I wandered from one miserable job to another, that age old question still rattling around in my brain with no answer.
 
Fast forward many, many years I went back to school for computer technology and hated every second of it. Graduated though, got a job and worked there for a year and a half before I was laid off. The only constant in my life up to that moment was a desire that found its way back to me several years prior.
 
The love of writing that I had when I was a kid in elementary school had sparked in me. But I was scared, terrified really. My grammar, punctuation, understanding of syntax the whole shabamm to writing in the English language was horrifyingly terrible. But I had stories, and for nearly three years I would say to my hubby that I wanted to be a writer. I want to write, tell stories, live my dream.
 
So I was laid off from a crappy job where I had to deal with computers and angry customers all day, every day, because I was on call 24/7. And as I sat on my couch still wearing my work clothes, my shoes, holding my lunch bag in a daze. What am I going to do now?
 
Well, let me tell you, my Hubby had enough of my wishing and wanting to be a writer, so he said, "Now's the time, put up or shut up. You got laid off, okay then, you hated that job anyway. You want to be a writer, then write. No more talking about, do it!"
 
After the shock of everything wore off I did just that. I wrote and I'm still writing. And for all those grammar and what not issues, I'm still learning. Every day, every book I write I'm getting stronger and better. I’m doing what I love, I’ve finally answered that age old question.
 
I want to be a writer.
 
What’s the point of all this? Well basically, you don’t have to have all the answers right now. You don’t even have to have them tomorrow. Just trust that one day you’ll figure it out.