To preserve our friendship I backed off. She wasn’t ready, you can’t force someone who isn’t ready. Fast forward a year or so and I started a new job. Hated it, and unfortunately around the same time I stopped working with my trainer. Slowly over time my workouts went from ten hours a week to zero. When I say slowly it was around a year. When my workouts stopped so did my healthy eating habits.
As you can guess I gained the weight back, I didn’t gain more than I lost but I gained that 30-40 pounds back. I didn’t follow any eating plans, no “lose twenty pounds in ten days”. No, my habits were slow to change. It consisted of getting rid of one bad item at a time. I found the more I worked out the less I wanted chips and chocolate.
Over the years I still did some exercising. I walked, sporadically. A couple times a week, enough to say that I was “active”. Fast forward to about two years ago. I injured my knee and even though I was still doing some exercise like 5k races I wasn’t eating well, and my weight never came off. But I was moving. My injury happened and I could no longer get around without pain.
So here we are yesterday I was talking to my friend and she is doing amazing. She’s losing weight, getting her eating under control and feeling better. (So stinking proud of her!) Last night our roles reversed. She was the one telling me that I needed to just start slow, remove one thing out of my diet at a time. Just walk to the end of the block and back. Just a little bit every day. She was telling me all the things I told her years ago.
The sad part of all this is that I know what I need to do to get healthy. I know the workouts, I know the food. I know what it takes to get to a smaller size, to feel better, to take pressure off my joints. But I can’t seem to get myself to do it.
Today I get out of the shower, my back hurts, my knees ache, and my clothes feel tighter. I can’t help but wonder at what point did I stop caring? At what point did I look at myself and say you’re not worth it? At what point did I let fear dictate my success?
Hubby and I are planning another big Disney trip. If you have ever been to Disney you will know it’s a lot of walking. A lot! During the time that I was working with a trainer we went to Disney and I feared I would put weight on. But I didn’t, I actually lost weight during that trip. I was eating everything! Ice-cream, cake, pasta, you name it, but it was all the walking.
I can barely make it to the end of my driveway without getting winded. I’ve got to change; I’ve got to find that joy I feel when I work out. Yes, joy, I love, LOVE working out. It puts me in a good mood, helps me concentrate. I love how it feels to push myself so hard that I have nothing left. Leaving the gym and knowing that I had nothing else to give, I left it all out on the floor.
The ideas for my first series came to me while I was working out. It gets my creative juices going. This probably would help with the writing issues I’m having right now.
So the question comes back to me, when did I stop caring? I have all these ideas of grandeur, I’m a great planner, but for some reason I’m not following through. Of course, I’m currently fighting a chest cold, but I very much want to get back to those ten hour workout weeks. I want to go back to Disney do some races and still be able to enjoy the parks afterward.
I want to set the goal of 100 day challenge, 100 days of intentional exercise. I want to want to work out!
I can sit here and make that grand announcement like I did last month with my writing, but I’m scared. I’m scared that if I make that announcement and I don’t follow through I will let people down. I’ll let myself down. So I’m going to be honest, I’m going to promise that I will try. I will start small, walk to the mailbox and back. Go to the gym and do laps in the pool to strengthen my knees. I promise I will try. Because I want to want it.
I bought a bracelet from Alex and Ani, it had a simple line on it. A line that has become a mantra to me about my writing, I want it to be about everything in my life. It’s simple, but powerful.
“I AM STRONGER THAN FEAR”